Scarebaby’s reviews #1
Shadow of the Colossus is without doubt the most annoying piece of cocksucking shit game I have ever had the misfortune to lay my hands and eyes on.
At the first start of the game you find out that your mission is to blah blah blah, will this damn cutscene ever end?! There, just X past it. Jesus. Alright, you play as a character who was obviously molded after the adolescent Mort from the Discworld series, which means he looks as though he consist of nothing but kneecaps and elbows and can only be steered accordingly. To find out where your first object is, stand with your sword raised to the sky and look at where the reflection of the sun points. This also works while standing in shade, for unknown stupid reasons…
At least the horse looks cool, so let’s get up and have a little ride around on it. Mount with the triangle. No, mount. Mount, damn you! Stop jumping up and down beside the horse like a moron and fucking MOUNT! Phew, fucking finally. Okay, let’s give the horse a little kick to make it start trotting, followed by another few to get it moving with some actual speed. Yay, go horsie! Whaaa.. horsie stopped..? Kick the horse again, yay go horsie! And then horsie stops again. What the hell? Kick, kick, kick, steer, ooh… that’s where it goes wrong, you can’t steer the horse while maintaining any speed what so ever, but that’s cool, I can manage that. Would of course have been a bit nimbler if the horse hadn’t neighed itself into any obstacle bigger than a strand of grass along the way, but whatever, I’m fine.
OK, so we finally arrive at the place where the reflection pointed us. The horse will not accompany you any further on the next part as it’s unable to ascend mountains, even though we clearly saw it nancing up a slope with the agility of a mountain goat in the opening cutscene. So dismount (at least that can be managed by only pressing triangle ONCE) and start looking for a way up. Run around and try jumping and grabbing for a bit while the help messages ignore you until you’re on your third try on what looks like a slick sand wall with some green stuff painted on it. Climb up it. Don’t forget that you need to hold BOTH triangle and R1 to grab on, just as in any normal adventure game. Once you make it to the top, a colossus will appear walking away from you. Walk a bit closer and it will turn around and spot you. Oh, exciting! Grab your bow and shoot a few arrows before you realise they won’t cross the distance, so therefor take a few steps forward (not too many though, that colossus guy is fast!) and shoot him again, of course to no avail. Try running up to the colossus and stab away at whatever part of him you can reach and he will smash/stomp away two thirds of your life in one blow and as you painfully slowly get to your feet a message will appear to help you: again use the sword against the sunlight to reveal the colossus weak part. Oh awesome, that should even the fight out a bit you think, before realising that the exact spot is impossible to locate since the reflection appears the same on every part of your adversary.
With your health indicator blinking on low (and no, you cannot heal yourself) bravely charge at the colossus and slash at his ankles, intending to trip him and thus buying yourself some time to study the sword reflection from a safer distance without being trampled. Fail. Horribly. Game Over. Repeat until it dawns on you what sort of useless, boring and suicide invitatory game you have purchased and break it, burn it and smear rancid goat’s blood all over it.
