Scarebaby’s reviews #1
Shadow of the Colossus is without doubt the most annoying piece of cocksucking shit game I have ever had the misfortune to lay my hands and eyes on.
At the first start of the game you find out that your mission is to blah blah blah, will this damn cutscene ever end?! There, just X past it. Jesus. Alright, you play as a character who was obviously molded after the adolescent Mort from the Discworld series, which means he looks as though he consist of nothing but kneecaps and elbows and can only be steered accordingly. To find out where your first object is, stand with your sword raised to the sky and look at where the reflection of the sun points. This also works while standing in shade, for unknown stupid reasons…
At least the horse looks cool, so let’s get up and have a little ride around on it. Mount with the triangle. No, mount. Mount, damn you! Stop jumping up and down beside the horse like a moron and fucking MOUNT! Phew, fucking finally. Okay, let’s give the horse a little kick to make it start trotting, followed by another few to get it moving with some actual speed. Yay, go horsie! Whaaa.. horsie stopped..? Kick the horse again, yay go horsie! And then horsie stops again. What the hell? Kick, kick, kick, steer, ooh… that’s where it goes wrong, you can’t steer the horse while maintaining any speed what so ever, but that’s cool, I can manage that. Would of course have been a bit nimbler if the horse hadn’t neighed itself into any obstacle bigger than a strand of grass along the way, but whatever, I’m fine.
OK, so we finally arrive at the place where the reflection pointed us. The horse will not accompany you any further on the next part as it’s unable to ascend mountains, even though we clearly saw it nancing up a slope with the agility of a mountain goat in the opening cutscene. So dismount (at least that can be managed by only pressing triangle ONCE) and start looking for a way up. Run around and try jumping and grabbing for a bit while the help messages ignore you until you’re on your third try on what looks like a slick sand wall with some green stuff painted on it. Climb up it. Don’t forget that you need to hold BOTH triangle and R1 to grab on, just as in any normal adventure game. Once you make it to the top, a colossus will appear walking away from you. Walk a bit closer and it will turn around and spot you. Oh, exciting! Grab your bow and shoot a few arrows before you realise they won’t cross the distance, so therefor take a few steps forward (not too many though, that colossus guy is fast!) and shoot him again, of course to no avail. Try running up to the colossus and stab away at whatever part of him you can reach and he will smash/stomp away two thirds of your life in one blow and as you painfully slowly get to your feet a message will appear to help you: again use the sword against the sunlight to reveal the colossus weak part. Oh awesome, that should even the fight out a bit you think, before realising that the exact spot is impossible to locate since the reflection appears the same on every part of your adversary.
With your health indicator blinking on low (and no, you cannot heal yourself) bravely charge at the colossus and slash at his ankles, intending to trip him and thus buying yourself some time to study the sword reflection from a safer distance without being trampled. Fail. Horribly. Game Over. Repeat until it dawns on you what sort of useless, boring and suicide invitatory game you have purchased and break it, burn it and smear rancid goat’s blood all over it.
TLK writes:
lol
well, so you didnt like SotC, which is one of my favorite games >.>
i just played it again recently and in shades my sword didnt show me any path, maybe your shade definition is abit bright or there was a glitch…
i didnt had any problem with horse either and if you just hold down X button, the horse will run already, you dont need to kick it every time <.<
and obviously you couldnt play the game >.>
you dont need to use arrow for the first colossus, all you have to do is climbing on him. when you are close to his weak points you’ll see them, marked white places, and you’ll hold down abit to attack button to power up and when you release it you’ll do bigger damage. there are not many weak points for colossi, max 4 if i remember right. just check it before climbing.
so for the first colossus, you run to him and grab his hairy leg
and piece his leg with your sword and he’ll fall on his knee and then you’ll jump to his back. you’ll climb till his head and you’ll see there is white mark on his head. you’ll get there and will kill him in 3 powerful hits. thats all…
seriously, how did you die in the first colossus >.>
even my cousin that doesnt play games didnt die in first attempt. well i gave some tips >.> but still he managed to control and beat the colossus easily <.<”
oh well, i hope you can try it again when you are calm but its your choice, i wish you could enjoy it like we did…
personally what i think about the game is;
when I started playing, it felt different. the musics are great and peaceful and when i fight the first colossus and beat him to the ground i felt amazing. i mean this game is full of atmosphere and visuals. running on horse in those vast lands were magnificient. each battle against different colossi was unique and gave me something that no game did before, a fun that i cant describe… it was because the game was about atmosphere and its great musics made it magical to fascinate you.
the game is great because it doesnt tell you anything. like you are in there, alone and there is noone to help you. there is no narrative to tell you the story, it unfolds after you defeat colossi, you just understand it. its so unique game that you understand it yourself and succeed in your way, a story that is told by not words but actions.
for me, SotC was the one of the best moments in my life. now i know what to do, how to do, so its not like the first time…i wish i could erase my memory about it so i could live the same experiences, feelings again…
i wish you could experience it like me…
Hahaha! Aww, honey I knew this would upset you greatly! XD
I was just feeling incredibly annoyed and pissed off at the game and once I started writing I couldn’t stop myself and I ended up looking for faults and magnifying them. But I promise that I will take another calmed down and serious shot at this game.
TLK writes:
haha its ok, everybody has different tastes, so you may totally hate the game, but to be honest i would like you to enjoy it at least
because it seems you were just on spikes and with little things you got angry and hated the game, so i believe if you could play the game with someone’s tips/helps ( like i did for my cousin ) you could enjoy it, though i enjoyed it more because i found everything myself. like i said earlier, the game really puts you into the hero’s shoes, you are alone in those vast lands and challenging colossi for just one reason…
hehe i’m too attached to game
well, either you hate it or you love it, your choice, but how about the musics? did you like them ? or found them annoying ? too slow for your tastes ?